Let's turn the tables today.
We here at Two Peas like to stand on our double wide soapbox and rant and rave about all of the idiots that we come across on (what seems like) a daily basis. But we confess that we are not perfect. (I know, I know, you're having a hard time believing that, aren't you?) We, too, have been known to be idiots on occasion.
So, let's make today Confession Friday. Everyone's said or done something in their lives that they are (to say the least) not proud of. Share some of your doozies. We promise not to laugh. Too hard.
I've stuck my foot in my mouth so many times, I'm surprised I still have toes. I know I have some gems in there, but I'm such an idiot, I've forgotten them all.
ReplyDeleteThis one I do remember, though -- it's probably the funniest, anyway.
It was the summer before my freshman year of HS. I was at band camp and walking along the campus of Eureka College with Jenn and our friend, Nickki. A lot of the upperclassmen (okay, mostly girls) would decorate their rooms in themes. One group of girls went all out and decorated their room in a Hawaiian theme. As we walked, we got closer to their window, which had a sign hanging in it that said "Aloha."
Now, picture one of those traditional "Happy Birthday" signs that looks like this: Palm Tree - A L O H A - Palm Tree. From far away, those trees looked like T's to me. So what did I say? "Oh, look! Tacohat!" (The "L" looked like a boxy "C" because of the top part of the banner.) I said it as if it was really something. Like, "Finally! Someone else knows the joy of a tacohat! I'm no longer alone in the world!"
I think Jenn and Nickki pretty much stopped dead in their tracks and then proceeded to fall over in hysterical laughter.
To this day, Jenn and I still greet each other with, "Taco!"
If my darling mother would post rather than simply read (ahem! love you mom :)), she could help me out with this question b/c I have said some really stupid things in my day.
ReplyDeleteA highlight has to be when I was at a student council convention and met one of my roommates for the weekend, Jen. She walked up and said to me "Hi! I'm Jen!" (in that overly perky way us stu co kids did things). My response? An equally enthusiastic "Me too!" followed by immediate internal panic. What?! Why did I just say my name was Jen?! It's not Jen! She was so excited about this, until I had to suavely recover and say "Oh wait... no... umm... I thought you said... actually, my name's really ******." Insert look of confusion and let down. Yep. I am smooth.
When I was a child, my parents and I used to go to a restaurant whose servers wore aprons imprinted w/their names. Harmless enough, right? Not for the bus boy. I distinctly remember asking my mom in all seriousness, "Why is his name bus?" Much like the time I asked her why a mailbox said "Ups"... pronounced ups. As in the opposite of downs. Uh, UPS anyone?
We were studying elephantiasis in biology, and for some stupid reason (probably b/c we were high schoolers), we were talking about it at lunch when one of my brilliant friends said "If you had elephantiasis of the head, how could you wash your hair?!" (Yeah, that was important to us. What were we? In a Prell commercial?) Giving her one of my best "You're an idiot" looks, I dismisively replied "Uh... you'd stand on a ladder." Right. Because the rest of you and your six foot head wouldn't get higher by standing on the ladder, just your arms I guess? And the best part was as they all exploded in laughter, I stared at them completely dumbfounded b/c I couldn't wrap my head around what was wrong with my answer.
Also, while watching Wheel of Fortune, my mom was soooo proud of herself for figuring out the puzzle that she yelled out "Coach Us!" Nope. Wasn't a puzzle. They were simply spelling out "Coach USA" at the end of the show b/c they were a sponsor. Cath had never been so disappointed as she was when that last A appeared.
Another classic was when we were watching a baseball game, and the pitcher hit the batter. They showed the replay, to which she yelled "He hit him AGAIN!!!!"
I love my mother so much :)
Once, while in Target with my aunt S and cousin K, we had to buy some "feminine products." My uncle had been having some issues (won't get into it) and unfortunately had to use them himself.
ReplyDeleteWe weren't by ourselves in Target b/c I guess feminine hygiene was where it was at that day. With quite a few people around, S loudly asked K "What mini pads do you want???" K replied "Whatever ones dad uses!" The lady in the aisle with us looked at us like we were all lepers and left as quickly as she could.
I have one that just recently happened thus teaching me that, as I turn 30 in the coming months, I have yet to grow up.
ReplyDeleteOn one of the really bad snow days a couple weeks ago, I created a memo stating that my corporate office was going to be closing at 3 pm due to the inclement weather. I made it look real official and everything and printed it on the printer of the department directly next to mine. Why they would believe it when they get it on their printer instead of via email or a phone call, I don't know. But sure enough, they left at 3 pm and they all got in trouble. To this day, they don't know it was me, but my boss found out about it and was none to pleased. Let's just say I'm on double secret probation.
Jenn can attest to the fact that, as a child, I was too lazy to go up the 10 steps from the basement to the main level where the bathroom was located so I decided to create the infamous "pee bucket" in the corner of my basement. Of course I was too lazy to empty it as well and now I never hear the end of it because my sister found it, filled with stale urine, years later.
I weigh 160 pounds. But I used to weigh 137 lbs. Pronounced lobs. I weighed 137 lobs. I guess I thought lobs were similar to pounds.
ReplyDeleteOne time I was sitting at a table with a group of friends and I thought that this guy, sitting at the table next to us, kept lightly touching the back of my neck. I would get frustrated/uncomfortable... sit up in my chair, and "he" would stop. But as soon as I leaned back he started touching me again. Finally after one prolonged period (about 15 seconds or so) of inappropriate neck touching I quickly turned around to confront "him." The guy was sitting properly in his chair, too far away to touch me... but the ficus plant wasn't.
Also, I put on a magic show for my family when I was eleven. Need I say more?
I am a pro at this, seeing as how there is no filter between my head and my mouth.
ReplyDeleteCase in point, the other day at lunch one of my friends told us how she was doing a paid clinical trial for weight loss that is relatively local. I asked her how she heard about it and made a crack "What, do they just hang out at Walmart and determine 'yep, there's a good candidate right here'".
The implications of that statement were many and it was so rude. But I didn't mean it that way at all! Oh, and then I called a political candidate a "Commie", but I didn't mean that in a bad way either (it is a long story, because I know you are thinking 'How can that not be bad?'). Two in an hour. It was some kind of record.
Thank goodness for real friends.
Let's see... what other dumb things have I done...? Hmmmm.....
ReplyDeleteOh, wait, here's one!
Asked my friends to tell me all of the dumb things that I've done.
Thinking a woman in a restaurant was someone else I knew who just had a baby. She had two kids and I was so positive it was her, I made a joking comment to her "man, you just have more and more kids every time I see you".
ReplyDeleteIt was a complete stranger I said that too...
Oh, that is a good one, vin. I asked a woman once when she was due.... she wasn't pregnant. And this was AFTER I had kids. I should have known better. But I SWORE that she said she was expecting the last time I saw her (she owns a shop here in town), and then when I saw her again, she totally looked pregnant, so I asked. I haven't been back to the store since.
ReplyDeleteHere's another one that I remembered during the off-line Roast T Pea session: My parents used to own a condo in Mississippi and they were crazy enough to allow us to bring friends down there every year. Well, one year, they went out with some friends and left us all home alone. We made frozen pizza... but forgot to remove the cardboard disc from underneath it. Yeah, it totally caught on fire. I don't know if it was this same night (or even trip) but that same kitchen saw an ENTIRE 2 LITER of pop exploded all over it. It was a small galley kitchen and there had to be a good 2 inches of pop covering the floor.
Good times.